Ever will it grow.

McSweeney's proves, once again, that life could be much worse, and that Western culture could be much, much further down the road to hell than it actually is now:

SCENES FROM LORD OF THE RINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN USED AS SETUPS FOR BAD COMMERCIALS HAD THE FILMMAKERS NOT RESPECTED THE MATERIAL.
BY CODY JAMES

(A grief-stricken KING THEODEN surveys grassy mounds, peppered with white flowers, outside the walls of Edoras. GANDALF watches with great concern.)

THEODEN: Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears.

(GANDALF places a comforting hand on THEODEN's shoulder.)

GANDALF: And ever will it, thanks to the Miracle-Gro LiquaFeed system. (Hands him the product.)

THEODEN: (Heartened.) Really?

GANDALF: (Nodding.) With the new ready-to-use hose attachment, feeding is as easy as watering. When Theodred's spirit finds its way to the halls of your fathers, he shall look upon it with pride.

THEODEN: No parent should have to bury their child, but at least this hallowed ground will be beautiful, colorful, and lush, thanks to Miracle-Gro. (Cries bitterly.)

(Click on the link above to see the rest of the "scenes.")